If he could see what I see

“Only one percent of heroin addicts beat heroin addiction. What makes me so special to be that one percent?” Patrick said that not to long ago.

If he could see what I see he would understand what makes him so special.  Patrick is HILLARIOUS, and could be a comedian. There has been times he has had me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. ENERGENIC, He does not know what to do with that energy when he is not working. He is an extremely dedicated HARD WORKER, DEPENDABLE, and DILIGENT. He invested many weeks of his time working everyday not knowing when he would get a check and did this for two months. He showed up every day and worked very long hours.

If he could see what I see, he would see someone who is COURAGOUES, and a FIGHTER.  Yes, Patrick is extremely good at boxing, but I am talking about fighting to stay clean and the COURAGE that it takes to keep fighting this dreadful disease. Just last week, he relapsed for the 100^th time or so, and after what I seen this weekend with another heroin addict, it takes courage to go through those withdrawals and continue to fight. I was very proud that he took his little ass upstairs and laid in bed for days until he became clean again.  

What surprises me the most is I see someone who is NON-JUDEMENTAL.  For someone who is judged so much he is the most non-judgemental person I think I have met. If he only knew what a gift that alone is!

I see LOVE. I listen to how badly he wants a family and to have that family life so many of us take granted. I see him watch videos of Sophina and will see a smile or maybe a tear. As of last night, I can add SINCERE, TRUTHFUL and HONEST to the list.

Last night, I listened to Patrick talk about who he stole from and the people he hurt.  He expressed much regret and sadness for stealing from Grandma Theresa (in a church) and said that was the one he regrets the most. I was surprised to learn a few things about members of his family that are quick to belittle him but quick to use him as the fall guy for their misdoings. He quit protecting those who have used him as a scapegoat to say that he stole when in fact he did not or the people that are the first to belittle him but the first to call him for pills. For example, when he was pouring his heart and soul out admitting is wrong doings, calls kept coming in from a cousin of his

asking if he could get her some pills. This cousin is one of the many cousins, uncles, and all the other individuals that think they are better and will tell others to stay away from him because he is bad news.

I have gotten to know the demon that shares his name and Patrick when the demon hides inside. I will cherish every moment getting to know Patrick.

If he could see what I see- he would be able to love himself and know that he is way more special then the people that hide in secret of all their misdoings and pretends to be something they are not. 

When drugs don't kill..

Over Memorial weekend we recieved a call from our Aunt who managed to mumble, there was an accident-Kevin is dead.  :( 

No drugs involved, no drinking and driving involved. Just an accident. I think when we lose someone so unexpected it is worse. Who knows, Im still learning all lifes lessons.

R.I.P dear cousin--Kevin Haack

Room 11

Today, I visited a friend of 25 years in the ICU. I met Athena in junior high, and let me tell you, we caused all kinds of trouble during those years. We even had to go to court one-time (Practicing my 5th amendment on that one). Athena is one of those friends that you can go years without talking, but when we get together it seems like it has been only a week. I love her laugh. I did not know if she would make it out of ICU. Laura (her daughter), tells me she cannot feel anything from her chest down, but doctor's took out the ventilator. I took a minute to take this in, and said, “When will she be able to feel again? We do not know if she will, Laura replies.

I walk in room 11, and I see a woman with blonde hair, but that woman has a neck brace on, tubes coming from her mouth, nose, and is on life support. I stand still by the door questioning if I am in the correct room. The nurse walks in, and smiles. I asked, “Is that Athena? “Yes it is”, she replied. I walked over where I could take a good look at that beautiful face. I see cuts, and two black and blue eyes. This cannot be her, this lady looks like she is knocking on deaths door. I take a moment, and say a little prayer, and when I open my eyes I see two beautiful blue eyes staring up at me. I smile, and ask her, “Do you recognize this aging face”? She shakes her head yes, and I see that smile in her eyes that I have seen so many times before. I always have been able to make her laugh, and enjoy making her laugh. I told her I loved her, and so did the rest of the gang. She blinked twice, and shook her head yes. I bend down, and whisper in her ear, “I am going to come back, and break you out of this place, cause girlfriend they got you looking a hot mess”. I see that sparkle in those beautiful eye’s, and she starts to shake her head yes. I knew she would like my idea.

I kissed her, and told her I would be back, and gave her a little wink. I know she probably will not remember me there, but it felt good to see her eyes smile. I left there asking myself questions. Question’s like why? She is a nurse, and helps save lives. Will she be able to work again? Will her scars be permanent? Will she dance again? Will she find love again? Will she be able to drive again? Better yet, will she drink and drive again?

Let's pay respects to yet another who has lost the battle.
Devin Stacey-- 17 years old. Suboxone and Xanax

http://www.wkbw.com/news/local/Jamestown-Man-Died-from-Drug-Overdose---Not-From-Police-Taser-207793271.html

Tweaker Ramblings: What goes up...MUST come down

Tweaker Ramblings: What goes up...MUST come down: Well, I haven't been on for a few days. Up until today I was sober... and miserable! The abscess on my breast turned out to be a spider ...

My visit with Patrick

This is the first time I saw Patrick since Brittany OD. He just got out of jail and was already high.  I sat and talked to him on the porch for a while, and gave him a ride to his grandmothers.

My heart aches for him. Patrick is feeling guilt for Brittany’s death. I explained to him that it was not his fault. They both have an addiction and she lost the fight. Patrick told me he almost lost the fight a month ago. 

Words of an addict.

R.I.P BRITTANY B.

While I was gone from the blog world, I lost a cousin in law to a heroin overdose. She had a baby girl who just turned one two weeks before her death.

Patrick is a cousin on my husband’s side, and Brittany was Patrick’s girlfriend for a few years. They recently broke up and Brittany was trying to get clean. She lost her fight and was found with a needle in her arm -- in a bathroom.