A little history

Brief history about the past, Big daddy passes chronic kidney stones since he was 18. He was taking vicrodin all the time because of the stones and of course your body gets immune so you have to move up to something stronger. He moved up to methadone.  I had never heard of methadone and it took a while to find out what he was taking. I knew he was on something really bad.  He became this nasty person and I always describe him as Devil. He never had anything nice to say and we would argue all the time.  He always had the "nod" going on and I had burn holes in every blanket, his clothes, carpet and even my mattress.


Towards the end of the methadone , he was not allowed to drive our children anywhere and could only smoke in the bathroom.  I started al-non and what a life safer that was for me.  I'm not for sure what made him decide to get help but my doctor referred him to what he called an addiction specialist.  

He was put on suboxone for his withdrawals and honestly I don't think that helped at all because he wanted to kill himself.  My children seen his withdrawals and  they will never forget seeing their dad like that.  He went to a few AA classes and had to start group therapy and he did. He learned allot and I seen changes in him.  He was really worried about why they put him on something that is addictive when he’s trying to get off something that he was addictive too.  His therapist would assure him that it’s OK and it does not get you high.  It's a downer and Big daddy likes being down.


I was not buying her bullshit and thought she was a dumb ass but because she had the degree I did not know what I was talking about.   5 years on soboxone and just a couple months ago, he was put on subutex.   SUBUTEX.  Might as well give him heroin.


Big daddy really believes he's been clean and sober for 5 years. I on the other hand think what a line of crap that is but have not said it yet. 
Don't get me wrong here, we never fought while he was on suboxone but he has basically slept this past 5 years away.  

About a month ago I started hearing things come out of his mouth that I always heard when he was on Methadone.  Even as I just typed that sentence my stomach turns sick.   I think the reason is I know he's full blown in addict mode.  Addict’s way of thinking changes and all of my old feelings are back.  I'll give you
 an example,
when he was on methadone it got to the point I would try and leave him at home for birthday parties, holidays, etc. and guess what’s right around the corner, that's right, thanksgiving.  I don't want him to go and embarrass me and the kids while his denial ass sleeps in a chair the entire time and god knows what will come out of his mouth when we are with family.  I use to always here how I've change and not to his liking.  I have not heard that since those nasty years but sure enough he said it the other day.  
I know the routine, I know what al-non teaches us but damn I love this guy and today my heart is hurting for him, my kids, and myself. I can't handle things the way I did last time, I caused a lot of hurt myself during that time.  I refuse to enable him and I refuse to keep my mouth shut when he is trying to defend subutex.   My oldest Brittany is fully aware of what is going on and the other two are starting to wonder what’s going on and that makes me so damn mad that they have to see this again. 

Brandon  Specyalski  Died of an overdose  of alcohol and morphine. 

http://thetruthaboutbrandon.net/foundation.html